and just like that, everything is different.
i had no confidence in my first paper. now that i’ve gotten it back, i still don’t, even though it did very well. maybe the next one will feel stronger.
i am clearly reaching the limits of self-discipline. i need to be better. more focused when i’m home at night.
for the last 11 years, a gift my father gave me allowed me to live pretty much how i wanted to. on the day i learned that was gone, i found out i got awarded the scholarship i applied for, which was welcome and wonderful news.
i still have to figure out what all of this means for me now.
i thought when i started school again that i would be presented with all manner of hilarious anecdotes about “the youth” and how far removed from their experiences i have become in the years since i was last there.
apparently that’s not going to happen.
in fact, this time around my experience is very similar to what it once was: i go to class, i participate, i occasionally say a couple words to some classmates afterward, and then i go about my day. i was never really a part of undergraduate life in the past. i don’t have any friends from college to speak of (save one, though that was a coincidence later on), and i guess i don’t see myself making any this time around, either. which is fine, really.
i’ve had a couple quizzes, one of which was a pop quiz on which i possibly got 2/3 points. the other one, i think i may have answered the question correctly. i’ve had a paper that i have zero confidence in, though i suppose it will turn out ok. as a few of my friends have said, my work is being compared to people who make christmas trees out of keystone light cans and do massive bong rips in their free time, so i have that going for me.
i don’t know if anybody is keeping track, but i may very well be busier than i have ever been. it’s not helping.
the loudest sound ever heard on earth occurred in 1883 – i can’t possibly comprehend what that must have been like, but i can certainly empathize with the idea of an explosion reverberating for days. the sound of something letting go with terrific force, and then aftershocks rolling past every few hours for a while.
once it’s gone, there is beauty to be found returning to the earth – i have always been fascinated by the way in which nature takes back its own space, drawing everything into itself.
there’s a truth in time, in growth, in decay. in massive explosions and the destruction of islands. in lost love and in longing.
i’ve never seen anything like this.